*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Is this a threat?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
What?!?
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout