Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
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i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
You can’t rush stupid.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.