To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
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Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Mouse
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.