HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
wait.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home