Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
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Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
How funny!
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Who says great literature is dead?
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.