@TheHyyyype: Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
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@MitchBenn: We HAVE to stop North Korea! They're led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
@sofarrsogud: WIFE: Hurry up or we'll get caught in the rain. ME: [sipping a pina colada] I would like that.
@hyperblastchic: My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn't recognize him when she was canning pickles.