@TheHyyyype: Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
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@XAIMMadellynne: I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don't sleep with him. Long story short he pays for the taxi.
@flashember: DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A DOG'S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
@jilleb163: Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don't describe me to the police as "Quiet and keeps to herself."
@undeadmolly: I deliberately mispronounce 'quinoa' and then adjust the server's tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.