@TheHyyyype: Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
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@Thedudish: My neighbor's dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
@IamEveryDayPpl: In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland... They'll be SO surprised!
@kellysdf: I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.