Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
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My wife gives the best headache.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.