Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
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If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks