Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
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20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
No laws when master is gone
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.