Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
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My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?