Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
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Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁