some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
You Might Also Like
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Eggs benadryl my favourite
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
No chill.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing