Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
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I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
🙀🙀🙀😹
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.