Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
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Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Basketball games are very squeaky.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Twitter remains undefeated
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
The only equipped I am is ill.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.