Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
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Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My work here is done
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur