sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
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On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.