I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry…what?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I’m a self-made hundredaire
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.