asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
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What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
no!! no!!!!!!
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.