Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
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Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like