“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.