@clindsaysway: We got a tornado warning, and I'm too scared to open my windows. Don't want any sharks in my house.

@leechee420: Listen google, it's 2015. I need you to figure out who I'm talking about when I type "that one guy in that movie I didn't like."

@mommywhitfield: I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

@3sunzzz: Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural? Dumb Bob: You add S. T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us. DB: [writes] SNAIL

@Ideal_Victoria: Date: “I’m falling in love with you” Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”