@TheHyyyype: i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

@FormerGrunt: Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.

@nonsensetwit: If I had a daycare, I think it would be awesome to get each kid to wear one of those backpack-leash things and make them pull me on a sled.

@Brampersandon_: WIFE: what's the name of that girl you work with? ME: which girl? WIFE: the pretty one ME: I feel like this is a trap

@Prof_Peejay: A student once told me the Big Bang was a lie, just like evolution. Then he asked me what my sign was. I'm just a prof. I can't fix stupid.