“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
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Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.