why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
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[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.