Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
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“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Does beer think about me too?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.