@JamesBlunt: Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
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@missmayn: My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone's facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.
@druuuck: Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly? Wife: sure *I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano* Wife: this is so romantic
@TheIronSherk: *Paper beats rock* *Paper beats eggs* *Paper beats his girlfriend* *Paper beats his three year old*
@bobvulfov: DRUG DEALER: what'll it be man ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please [at the surveillance van] DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs