Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Lol
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever