Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
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I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
the answer was staring at me all along
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably