Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
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I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.