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@UncleDuke1969: HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
@MarfSalvador: Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
@Flattliner: Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out an important part of human anatomy that is more useful when it is erect.
@briangaar: Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought "damn magic is dope as hell." #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
@Heartblakekid15: Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it's half empty?
Me: cause you're a pessimist!
@trojansauce: GOLDFISH: i swear i'll have your money by tomorrow
GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money?
GOLDFISH: who are you?
GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where's my mon