GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
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I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?