Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
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JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol