@say_anything27: Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me agin tomorrow on still fat Wednesday
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@DrDogMD: PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me. DR DOG: What's your job? PATIENT: Mailman DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*
@Storminika: I hate it when guys use pickup lines like, 'Hey, what's your friend's name?' on me. Worst pickup line ever.
@donni: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Do you know why I stopped? *silence* *a saxophone wails in the distance*
@AIMMadellynne: Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers.. If you do find one... What's your plan?