@say_anything27: Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me agin tomorrow on still fat Wednesday
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@Juicedballs: *Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper's True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
@WhaJoTalkinBout: Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job? Me: After lunch, next question.
@PJTLynch: "Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?" Wife: "Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?" "...Yes" *wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*