[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
You Might Also Like
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation