Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
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2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Worst perfume name ever.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I can’t wait!
doing some research
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave