@michaelianblack: Happy Fourth of July. May your emails be gathered and your drones fly forever free!
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@dafloydsta: [on unemployment] WIFE: So what'd you do all day? [the dog walks by dressed as a spider] ME: Looked for a job
@Underchilde: I don’t think Twitter’s real. I think I’m in a mall in 1987 listening to “I Think We’re Alone Now” & my mind invented Twitter to protect me.
@SatansTongue: *slips a 20* How about a private dance "Okay let's go" *heads to private room* "You ready?" Oh hell yeah *we both do the cha cha slide*
@junejuly12: Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.