Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
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DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!