Happy Friday
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[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Botany good plants lately?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
who wants to go expliring
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!