happy friday
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I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole