My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
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I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
new year update: losing everything but weight
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.