ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
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I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.