I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
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The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
no one likes gloating
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!