humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
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Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.