My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
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Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
scared to check what name she chose
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…