Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂