@GlennHowerton: Happy St. Paddy's Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I'm not allowed to go out on St. Paddy's Day anymore. It's too much.
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@StansaidAirport: Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
@thatguyJA: My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn't paying for his college now.
@KeetPotato: [tv commercial] me: "know what i'd love for breakfast?" mum: "what's that son?" me: "if someone pre-chewed my food" narrator: "porridge"
@tacsanitchiban: My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.