Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
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A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
put ‘er there pardner!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport