Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
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Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.