I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
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Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter