Happy thanksgiving!
You Might Also Like
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”