Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
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Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Me recordaron éste meme
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.