Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
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My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
whatcha thinkin bout
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?