@FeelingMervis: Happy Valentine's Day! So what's everyone doing with their cats tonight??
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@LackOfShame: Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan? Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull. Fan light: Ok wow like I'm right here
@sixthformpoet: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. There's nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
@flashember: [Morning after wedding] *dead husband lies on bed* PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body