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“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”