Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
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Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
😬
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did